What discipleship means to me

I pray that you may have the power to comprehend, with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Eph 3.18-19)It’s a funny thing; I have to prepare a short, focused, seven minute homily on Ephesians 3 to preach to my colleagues in the Anglican Priestly Formation Programme. And every time I think about it, or purpose to engage with it I start feeling really anxious! Which isn’t unusual - it’s the same feeling I get when I sit down to write a Musing! Or a sermon...The anxiety for me (I think) is founded in a deep internal drive to succeed, to nail it, to be relevant to connect and be the cause of someone's life being transformed. And the fear of not being able to achieve these things, the fear of failure to achieve these things spark feelings of anxiety within me.How far is that from being driven by a deep, deep knowing of the length, height, depth and breadth of the love of God! How far is that from being concerned about others - it’s all about me! It is so far from being filled with all the fullness of God…I think one of the awesome things about discipleship, for me, is that if the yoke isn’t easy and the burden isn’t light (Mat 11.29-30) in the everyday demands of my life then I know that in some way or sense; I am doing life alone, without God’s presence and grace. I am motivated by something other than the fullness of God’s love. For me, discipleship looks like accountability in my life - marriage, family, work, God, prayer - my ‘in, up and out’s.‘I need someone/s to help me identify and clarify where inner motivating powers (what the Bible calls sin), other than the deep “fullness of God” in me - founded in knowing the unlimited expanse of the love of Christ towards me - are driving my life and my relationships.What are you struggling with at the moment, who are your discipleship partners and have you shared that with them?Blessings and peaceNicholas